chronic

let me tell you... chronic is one of the worst parts of this disease. as a kid, most of us get the flu or something else that makes us feel awful. the flu goes away though. we have a few horrible days or maybe weeks, but eventually, we feel healthy again. now imagine you had the flu and it never went away. you might have some days that are less awful than others, but you never get back to feeling like yourself again.

fortunately, MS doesn't make me puke, run a fever, or keep me in bed all day. yet, i've never gotten back to feeling like myself again. i think most of us at 38 years old wish we still had the body we did at 22. i'd literally have brain surgery to get back my 22 year old physical fitness.

it is so frustrating to have to struggle to do simple things day after day, year after year, with no end in sight. each day i wake up and have to listen to my body, asking, "how are we today?" i say we because my mind, body and spirit all have to work together. will my body let me do what my mind wants to do? will my spirit be strong enough to cheerfully persevere through fatigue and uncoordination? at the end of the day, will i feel good, bad, or indifferent about what i was able or unable to do?

the last question is most important. if i can get to the end of a really difficult day and say i felt pretty happy most of the day, i know i'm doing ok. fortunately, i'd have to guess that over the past 15 years, the majority of my days have been happy.

i came across this quote today:
I am more and more convinced that our happiness or our unhappiness depends far more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves. ...Wilhelm von Humboldt
i choose to meet the events of my life, MS and all, with a positive attitude. otherwise, i'd spend my life being miserable. for me, that's not an attractive option.

today i'm feeling weaker than ever, but i choose to find things to make me feel better. writing here is one of them.