chronic

let me tell you... chronic is one of the worst parts of this disease. as a kid, most of us get the flu or something else that makes us feel awful. the flu goes away though. we have a few horrible days or maybe weeks, but eventually, we feel healthy again. now imagine you had the flu and it never went away. you might have some days that are less awful than others, but you never get back to feeling like yourself again.

fortunately, MS doesn't make me puke, run a fever, or keep me in bed all day. yet, i've never gotten back to feeling like myself again. i think most of us at 38 years old wish we still had the body we did at 22. i'd literally have brain surgery to get back my 22 year old physical fitness.

it is so frustrating to have to struggle to do simple things day after day, year after year, with no end in sight. each day i wake up and have to listen to my body, asking, "how are we today?" i say we because my mind, body and spirit all have to work together. will my body let me do what my mind wants to do? will my spirit be strong enough to cheerfully persevere through fatigue and uncoordination? at the end of the day, will i feel good, bad, or indifferent about what i was able or unable to do?

the last question is most important. if i can get to the end of a really difficult day and say i felt pretty happy most of the day, i know i'm doing ok. fortunately, i'd have to guess that over the past 15 years, the majority of my days have been happy.

i came across this quote today:
I am more and more convinced that our happiness or our unhappiness depends far more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves. ...Wilhelm von Humboldt
i choose to meet the events of my life, MS and all, with a positive attitude. otherwise, i'd spend my life being miserable. for me, that's not an attractive option.

today i'm feeling weaker than ever, but i choose to find things to make me feel better. writing here is one of them.

good days and bad days

yesterday, things weren't bothering me much. it was easy to look at my list of positive effects of MS in my life. today, i don't feel like it. i woke up feeling achy and weak. i couldn't concentrate on things i needed to do. my abilities are no different today than yesterday, but i sure am grumpy. i can only guess that my hormones are fluctuating. i just wanted to let it be known that i do have bad days like everyone else. without the bad days we wouldn't appreciate the good ones. that's my positive inner self looking for the silver lining in every cloud.

the brighter side

there is a bright side of MS, you just have to look for it. here's what i've found:
good parking spots
i never have to look for a seat
my legs don’t get tired from walking
crowds part for me (like a queen, noticed Ellie)
i am proud of living through this suffering as an achievement
more people look at me, giving me more chances to share my smile and loving energy
it encourages spiritual exploration
i help educate the public about needs and rights of people with disabilities
i set an example of a positive outlook in the face of adversity
i give others the chance to be helpful and feel good about themselves because of it
life is less ordinary
larger range of experience to draw on to help friends (doctors, tests, diagnoses, medicine, depression, struggle)
it puts smaller problems in perspective

light

i will tell you one good thing that came from my MS diagnosis - soon i'll share with you the many good things my MS helped. the first good thing was that it encouraged me to begin a spiritual journey. i was only 23 and i was not very spiritual. i believed in God but no particular religion. that remains true actually. i like to explore all religions and adopt the elements that fit me.

while i still don't consider myself religious, i have become quite spiritual. adversity prompted me to find some more support. i had and still have a great network of friends and family who help me in lots of ways. then i added a therapist and anti depressants to round out my mental state. i still wondered, "HOW AM I GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS!" the answer is: slowly, carefully and with determination. i needed to know that there was a power greater than me that would carry me on this long walk - pun intended. i needed to believe that i could speak and ask questions about my life. i don't claim to hear God's voice (or even truly KNOW there is a God), but i do feel some comfort when i reach out through the quiet for love and support. i believe God hears me, knows what i need, and helps me - even if it's not exactly the way i want it. of course, if i had my way, my MS would have disappeared long ago.

i believe there is a purpose to my life - to share the light God gave me, so that others might find their light as well. i taught elementary school for 10 years. i worked with over 200 students. if i'm lucky, those students felt my love for them and that helped them feel their light. in my "positive thinking" blog, i am trying to reach out to others that they might feel my light and in turn, feel their own.

i don't know if i would have taken a spiritual journey without my MS. i don't know if i would have found my light and ways to use it. if my MS was a catalyst for many good things, i can't say i regret it. it has helped me become who i am. still, i'd gladly be rid of it and promise God that i'd carry out my purpose. it doesn't work that way though.

yes, i have MS, but i also have a very rich life, spiritually and otherwise.