1994

as i was on my merry way to a degree in special education, my immune system was gradually eating away at my nerves.

(MS is an auto-immune disease in which the immune system thinks that the nerve insulation - myelin - is a foreign object that needs to be removed. as the myelin gets attacked, it forms scars on the nerves. sclerosis means scars - multiple sclerosis = multiple scars. as these scars develop, they prevent messages getting from the brain to the parts of the body those nerves control. initially, the affected the nerves in my body controlled my legs, bladder, and bowels.)

i was living alone, driving, and walking from parking lot to classes/grocery store/mall. at some point it hit me that my problems were getting worse. i used a cane but still struggled to walk. on more than one occasion i had bowel incontinence. (i'll leave it to your imagination how disgusting that felt. it's not something i like to discuss.)

my positive attitude was faltering. i was sad and scared about what was happening to my body. i became depressed to the point that i couldn't get myself to classes or even enjoy time with friends. my mom saw me sinking and helped me to find a psychologist for counseling and a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. after a few months of help i started to get back to myself. my professors were very understanding and helped me complete my courses. my parents took me back home. i got on with life, dealing with my MS when necessary.

that was my hardest year emotionally. i survived though. i finished my degree in spring of 1996 - but that's getting ahead of myself. much more to come...

1992 - 1993

the beginning started before i saw a problem. only in hindsight can i see the MS symptoms as such. in may 1992, i noticed that i sometimes had the urge to pee but nothing would happen when i got to the toilet. they call this 'bladder hesitancy' and it was an issue for years. the following spring i had another odd occurrence. while standing in the shower, my bowels moved before i could even turn to get out of the tub. this also became much more of an issue as years passed. that same spring, i went for a walk and my leg seemed to fall asleep. i could barely control taking a step. each of these symptoms went away as quickly as they came.

none of these things had me worried. if you know me, you know i don't worry till a problem is screaming in my face. i was diagnosed in august 1993, but my worrying didn't start until the spring of 1994. i'm getting ahead of myself though.


in june 1993, 3 different co-workers (i was an aide at a special needs school) said it looked like i was limping. i felt like i couldn't walk in a straight line. i finally went to my family doctor. he didn't have a clue. i told my aunt what i felt and she encouraged me to see the neurologist for whom she worked. in june and july we tested - MRI, spinal tap, and evoke potentials (measured my nerve activity). by august it was clear: i had multiple sclerosis.

my mom and i read lots about the disease. i wasn't worried because the worst that was happening was a slightly off-balanced walk. i was never all that coordinated anyway. i headed off to Trenton State College (now The College of NJ) in the fall to begin my master's program in special education.

my doctor said the best thing i could do was to keep a positive outlook. if you don't know me, check out my 'positive thinking' blog. keeping such an outlook was 2nd nature for me. i'm sure it has helped me get as far as i've come. that, and God's grace. my diagnosis did one good thing. it started me on my spiritual journey.

that was the beginning. more to come in future posts.

15 years

it was 15 years ago this month that my neurologist told me i had MS. little did i know what path my life would take. i remember thinking, 'this isn't so bad, as long as i don't end up in a wheelchair.' well, here i write from my wheelchair. i'm still more grateful for my life than i am disturbed by this disease.