dependence

first, let me say that i am very grateful for the many wonderful people in my life upon whom i depend.

that said, dependence is really disturbing. we are born dependent on our parents and go through many trials to gain our independence. if we are lucky enough to live until old age, we may find ourselves again dependent on other people. i never considered the idea that i would become so dependent at the age of 38.

i am fortunate to have many things i can do independently, but the number of things i need help with keeps growing. there were walking aids and then wheels when walking left me. there were hand controls to drive, but now my arms are too weak to use them. now i need help with the simplest things - bathing, dressing, and using the toilet to name a few. ugh! i feel like a toddler saying, "i want to do it myself!" though my body often doesn't let me.

there's no solution to my frustration. i simply have to accept my limitations and ask for help. then i take time to yell, cry, and vent my feelings. i usually keep that to myself, but it feels good to share it here. thanks for listening.