frustrations

do you ever have a day when you can't move a certain way? maybe you slept funny and your neck is so stiff that you can't turn to the right?

now imagine years of days like that. ugh. i got used to my legs not moving the way i thought they should. i got used to my left hand not moving the way it once did. lately, my left hand has been giving me much more trouble. try doing something one-handed. most things need the second hand to at least stabilize something. if you've ever tried to push a wheelchair with one hand, you'd know steering is very difficult. just now, what prompted me to stop and write, i was trying to back up. my good hand got me going, but without the strength of the 2nd hand, i was soon backed into a corner. so, i turned around and went forward instead of backward. it got me out of the corner, but i didn't yet get where i was headed. i had to stop here to vent.

thanks for listening.

sometime, pick a task and watch how many body parts and movements it takes to complete that task. be grateful that you usually don't have to pay attention to all those little movements.

fatigue

it is very hard to describe. fatigue is not the same as being sleepy. i've even started differentiating between muscle weakness and fatigue. today it sort of feels like when you're coming down with the flu. my body feels warm, slow and heavy. the smallest activity, like typing this, will wear me out. this feeling has kept me home from work. i've had to cancel plans to see friends. in fact, now i give the disclaimer, "i'm planning to come, but if i wake up that morning feeling fatigued, i'll have to stay at home."

fatigue is one of the more manageable symptoms though. just rest. it is most frustrating if you have an active mind. there are so many things you'd like to do, but you don't have the energy to do them.